Strip Poker? How about Strip Classic Literature!?

Ok, so "300" was cute. Lots of half naked men running about, yelling a lot, and some half-assed attempts at a message (unless they were just messing with us, which I respect).

But "Beowulf" has to be the best action/adventure movie I've seen in, oh, ages (leaving the holy "Hot Fuzz" out of this mortal equation).

The cast was stellar, so let's get that out of the way. Robin Wright Penn did wonders with a wise, sorrowful queen, and Anthony Hopkins was splendid as a tired, old, corrupt king. Beowulf himself, played in all his CGI glory by the winsome Ray Winstone was magnificent, full of himself, and quite human. The fact that the near-animation made the people look like a two hour long game of "the Sims" made the humanity of the voices and characters all that much more impressive.

Some side characters deserve mention with Alison Lohman as a naive mistress, a whiny Crispin Glover as the monster Grendel himself, Brendan Gleeson as the most likeable character in the movie, and of course Angelina Jolie, creepier than ever before (somehow). The best was John Malkovich, though, without a doubt. Even as a young, unrecognizable character, my friends and I decided it had to be him, so detestable was the vaguely innocuous man. By the end of the movie, we were sure of it, and cursing the character by using the actor's name. I love to hate that man.

That said, let's get to the look of the thing. So shiny, so pretty, so grotesque (one of my favorite words, so you know I liked it.) It contained some of the bloodiest, goriest things I've ever witnessed--it was so bad at parts that I had to look away. If you're not too slow about it, they even give you pretty fair warning... the monster moves slowly enough.

The gold glows, the costumes are neat, and the script is every King Richard's nerd's dirtiest dreams. There were wenches in low cut blouses, (peasant blouses, because they were really peasants!) and swilling of mead from goblets and mugs. There was yelling, carousing, merriment, many battles. Monsters, demons, dragons, and ghostly apparitions. There was even a naked Lara Croft, covered only in gold, water, and a tail-like braid.

The best part, though, by far, was Beowulf's way of intimidating his enemy. I'm sorry, but the most wonderful thing in any movie I've ever seen in the last ten years was Beowulf slowly but surely stripping off his clothes. If he's going to win, then damnit, he'll be nude! He's going to win by the strength of his mind, his hands, and his fantastic nakedness. My favorite scene may have been later in the film, when he scares off a would-be assassin of a sort. My friends and I were yelling "yeah! take it off! strip to prove your power!" as the man tore off his armor and ripped his shirt from his chest.

By the end of the movie, we'd decided that really, "Beowulf" was just a sort of antiquated version of "Arrested Development", that glorious, gone-too-soon tv show. These were human characters, with human problems, and slightly inhuman ways of dealing with them. This CGI masterpiece was ridiculous, witty, fun, and creatively messy. Still, beneath it all beat a sweet little heart... a heart that a one-armed Ray Winstone will probably wrest from your chest.